Research is Important, Hetalia Fans.

I looked over the first chapter of this horrible, horrible, fanfiction that umekopyon submitted, and from what I saw, I am completely justified in my assumptions about this assault on literature.

Here’s what she had to say about this awful fanfiction:

Here’s a fantabulous fanfic for you to enjoy.

Emelie along with her friend comes later in story Carrie come to gakuen hetalia since they have the IQ that is higher than anyone in the USA.The story follows Emelie as she goes everywhere while getting into trouble and rather weird relationships.RatedM

It has character tags for Prussia and Canada, but from my cursory glance over the story I can’t figure out why.

I suggest reviewing the first two or three chapters if you can handle it.

I really don’t know if I can handle the rest of this fanfiction, considering that the description itself gave me a headache.

As for why this fanfiction is tagged “Prussia” and “Canada,” since it’s “rated M,” I’m assuming she’s going to fuck those two characters.

So, let’s waste no time and let’s look at how ‘genius’ this OC really is after the jump.

Matrix: yes my name is matrix and no it’s not my real name

(I know you didn’t think so but just in case) this is my first fan fiction of Gakuen Hetalia with my OC and two other OC I made for a friend since I want her in the story.

Oh God. It’s her OC…and two other that are based off/created by her friend.

I’m having flashbacks to My Immortal already.

My characters are just friends with people nicely but it’s the two first day there. I worked really hard on this. SO NOW IM PRESENTING! Gakuen Hetalia- Sudden change!

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Joy.

Introduction~

I had never really liked my life as to always being bossed around and never deciding my fate for my own.

First sentence in, and I already hate this main character. Here she is, complaining about, what I’m assuming, is actually quite a good life. I mean, I don’t thinks she had to fight to survive. And yet, she’s complaining about how she “never decided her fate on her own.” Of COURSE you can’t decide your fate on your own. That’s the entire CONCEPT of fate. And if she doesn’t like being bossed around, it’s not being bossed around. It’s called “parenting” and “authority.”

I just feel like this is going to be a big rant against the writer’s parents.

My mother knew I was smarter than children in higher grades than I was in but I had a desire to be normal. My father hated my entire being not caring for me always insulting me because I was an accident.

Yep, it’s definitely a rant against parents.

First of all, why would her father hate her BECAUSE she was in an accident? Did she cause it? No? Then he shouldn’t hate her because of the accident itself. I’ve seen a lot of OCs whose fathers become distant after accidents, but they never hate the OC BECAUSE of the accident, unless it is the OC’s fault.

(Edit: so, italys-ovaries clarified this for me:

One thing about that fanfiction there is that it says “hates me because I was an accident”, so I think they meant that the parents didn’t intend to have a child or something rather than them being in an accident. Doesn’t change that it’s still really shitty, just pointing that out.

Whoops. Sorry, guys.)

Secondly, why is she complaining about her mother? Her mother is simply recognising the fact that this OC is intelligent, and is looking out for her well-being and future. Her mother hasn’t done anything yet, so the OC shouldn’t be complaining.

The only way I was happy was to read books or play with my only toy that had been torn from overuse. Soon my parents got tired of me and got rid of me. Luckily I was found by a kind person who owned an orphanage.

WHAT.

Just…no. Parents who abandon their children because they’re tired of them, I’m pretty sure, are fucking ARRESTED. 

And why the hell would they just ABANDON  her?

I never left my room for any reason at the orphanage even if kids asked to play with me which never really happened except once.

Oh, b’awww, no one likes you, and you never left your room, b’awww.

Seriously, stop being so grimdark and emo. I’m tired of it already.

I always wanted to see the world and learn new things so the closest thing I got to new places was learning different languages. I learned from books and how people spoke since the town I lived in was over populated with immigrants from different places.

“Overpopulated?”

That’s pretty ignorant. Not going to lie.

And I doubt she’d be able to learn new languages from the people of the town if she NEVER LEFT HER GODDAMN ROOM.

The one day I will never forget was that day when an English boy came to see me by a window bringing another friend with him. They opened the world for me. That day was the same old same old since this orphanage was near a grave site many people came but instead of going to the grave site some people came here with two men nearly like twins if it weren’t for the blue eye and the brownish blonde hair.

Oh, look! The canon characters enter.

Also, WHO WOULD PUT AN ORPHANAGE NEXT TO A CEMETERY.

“Miss? Miss? What’s that?”

“Oh, that’s where all the dead people live. Their bones and spirits are there forever, haunting the world and never resting!”

“I…I don’t want to be here anymore!”

“Too bad, motherfucker, your parents are dead!”

One of the men who was taller and had green eyes with spiky blonde hair was different and he looked straight at me when I looked out the window of my room. The man came towards me and thought he was German so I spoke fluent German which was one of the five languages I knew at the time.

Interesting that she’s fluent in German, considering that she never left her room ever, and she didn’t have anyone to speak to or to speak to her.

“What did you say?” he spoke a heavy British accent but knowing where he was from made me a little happy since I wanted to hear about his homeland.

“I said what do you need?”

“N-nothing but… why are you in here when there are children to play with?” I looked back at him nearly half way to tears.

“Okay, this one is obviously emotionally unstable. Let’s go, Alfred. Before she tries to bite you. We can’t have that again, can we?”

“They hate me because I’m weirder than them because I’ve already passed college when I’m only 4.”

Even for a Sue, that is laughably illogical. She just learned how to not shit on herself, how did she graduate from university? Not to mention, it’s AT LEAST FOUR YEARS.

She would have to be a fucking FETUS when she started.

The British man looked at me with sorrowful eyes he hated the thought of me staying there all alone. He left me all alone to go back with his friend he had brought with him. I felt all alone no one to talk to again. I wanted to disappear.

Well, he can’t adopt every sob story, now can he?

Also, stop with the emo sob story. I’m tired of it, considering that you’re probably the smartest person ever to exist, and you would probably have a LOT of opportunities following you.

So really, you shouldn’t be in squalor, Emelie.

“Hey you stupid git! Come over here were going to do something-“the conversation was cut off I couldn’t hear what they said and I didn’t care for it either. Suddenly both men came in my room.

“Heyyyy! Let’s play a game!”

Seriously, Author, you are HORRIBLE at characterisation. They’re so…flat.

“You stupid git introduce yourself!” with a balled fist the man who now that I got a closer look had bushy brows hit the blue eyed hamburger eater (he was holding a hamburger at the time XD).

OF COURSE HE WAS.

“Okay! My name is amer-“another hit landed. With a soft voice the bushy eye browed man said “my name is Arthur Kirkland and this idiot is Alfred f. Jones.” I could feel him lying so I made my name a lie to but I’ve always wanted this name. “My name is Saphira Catrix.”

Oh my GOD.

What kind of name is Saphira Catrix!? Emelie was bad enough! I just…how could…

AURGHGHHSDFDSL

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hello my first fanfic dont like please leave a comment of how i could do better ive already gotten 4 chapters in a book so if you like it ill upload them soon.

Wait, she’s planning on PUBLISHINGthis!?

x3 im extremly happy by this and dont worry the chapter im uploading is the begining of the story! Thank you and until then bye bye! oh yeah forgot to mention what my character looks like please look in the next chapter~

Oh, joy. We’ve already gone an entire chapter, and we don’t know what this character looks like.

This, honest-to-God, is the biggest Sue that I’ve ever seen, and we’re only one chapter in. This OC is awful, this story is awful, and I want to bash my skull into the nearest wall because of how infuriatingly nonsensical everything is.

And this is only the first chapter.